How to Set Boundaries With a Struggling Teen

Setting boundaries with teens is a way to reinforce your family’s core values and establish clear expectations before a problem occurs. Though testing limits is a natural part of adolescent development, teens who are incapable of respecting boundaries may be exhibiting signs of ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, or another mental health concern.

At Hillcrest Adolescent Treatment Center, we help teens navigate the psychological challenges of adolescence in a way that affirms their inherent value and sets them up for long-term success. For additional information or to schedule a free assessment, contact us today.

Learn more about mental health treatment for teens in California  or verify your insurance now.

Understanding Boundaries

Before you can set meaningful boundaries with your teenager, you need to be able to answer two important questions:

1. What, exactly, are boundaries?
2. Why are boundaries important for teens?

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are statements of the expectations you have for other people in the context of your interactions with them. They are a way of expressing what is important to you, what you need to feel safe, and what you will and will not tolerate.

Though today’s post focuses on setting boundaries with teens, being able to establish and maintain healthy boundaries can improve the quality of virtually every relationship you have. 

Key elements of boundaries include:

• They are clearly stated.
• They address specific behaviors.
• They include consequences for violations.
• They can change over time.

Why Are Boundaries Important for Teens?

Boundaries are limits, and limits are often thought of as being restrictive or punitive. But a more positive perspective on boundaries is that they establish safe spaces for relationships to grow and flourish. They can also provide a framework for working through problems in a way that strengthens relationships instead of undermining them.

For teens, the importance of boundaries includes:

• Understanding their parents’ expectations for them
• Knowing which types of behaviors are unacceptable
• Being aware of what will happen if they violate any boundaries
• Taking responsibility for their actions and decisions
• Giving them opportunities to advocate for themselves
• Discovering what healthy relationships feel like
• Learning how to set their own boundaries 

Examples of Healthy Boundaries for Teens

One of the keys to setting boundaries with teens is to address issues that are of specific importance to your child and your family. So there’s no comprehensive list of healthy boundaries that you can simply cut, paste, and use. But looking at what other families have done can definitely help.

Examples of healthy boundaries for teens:

• Setting limits on screen time 
• Establishing parameters for when you can enter their room and when they can enter yours
• Creating a list of household chores and assigning responsibility for completing them
• Having a process for dealing with family conflicts in a respectful manner
• Defining consequences for lying or deceptiveness

Tips for Setting Boundaries With Teens

Your teen will be more likely to respect boundaries when they understand their purpose and have a part in establishing them. 

Lead With Love

There’s a decent chance that your teen will be less than thrilled to learn you want to talk about boundaries. At a time when they are beginning to experiment with their independence and define themselves on their own terms, it’s natural for them to push back against what can feel like an attempt to constrain or restrain them.

You might not be able to completely win them over at first, but you’re almost guaranteed to cause conflict if you approach the conversation as an attempt to unilaterally “lay down the law.” 

Instead, explain what boundaries are and why they are important. Talk about the value of boundaries in all types of relationships. Emphasize that they are expressions of love and security, not efforts to dominate or control.

Include Your Teen in the Process

Discussions about setting boundaries with teens should be just that: discussions. Not lectures or diatribes. Not threats or ultimatums. Just respectful conversations in which all participants have the opportunity to share their thoughts and voice their opinions.

Of course, as the parent you will ultimately be responsible for setting the boundaries and establishing the consequences. And your teen may not agree with every decision you make. But at the very least they should feel like they played a role in the process, and that you gave their input the consideration it deserved.

Be Specific

“Don’t make me mad” is not a good boundary. Neither are “do better in school” or “be more respectful.” 

Among their many flaws, the examples above are vague and subjective: 

• The first one is conditioned on your mood at the moment, not what your teen did or didn’t do. They can control their actions, but you shouldn’t imply that they’re responsible for your response.
• The second one focuses on a result rather than a behavior. What if your teen truly starts working harder, but comes up short on a big test? Punishing the outcome without acknowledging the effort can be counterproductive.
• For the third one, if your teen typically makes three nasty remarks per day, cutting back to only two would technically be “more respectful” but not meaningfully different.

Better versions of these boundaries would be:

• Describing specific actions that are unacceptable, such as failing to do their chores or staying up too late, and clearly communicating what you expect from them moving forward.
• Setting time limits for studying, doing homework, and spending time online.
• Identifying disrespectful or abusive language that you will not tolerate from your teen.

Establish Consequences

Setting boundaries with teens isn’t simply a matter of making sure they understand what’s expected of them. It also involves ensuring that they know what will happen if they fall short of those expectations.

A few thoughts about consequences:

• They should reflect the seriousness of the violation. Missing curfew by ten minutes one time is not the same as staying out all night without checking in with you. Setting the same consequence for each tells your teen that what you’re most concerned about isn’t their safety or accountability, but their strict adherence to your rules.
• They have to be enforceable. If the consequence for a certain boundary violation is that your teen can’t use any of their social media accounts, can you actually enforce that? Are you able to monitor their online activities 24/7, or are you just teaching your teen how to circumvent your punishments? 
• They have to be meaningful. If a violation results in your teen being grounded for a weekend, but they still have access to their phone, computer, and video games, is that actually a deterrent? 

Reward Positive Behavior

Setting boundaries for teens shouldn’t be a simple list of “do this, and get that reward.” But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer positive reinforcement when your teen meets or exceeds your expectations.

Maybe you’ve noticed them making a more concerted effort to keep their room clean or set a positive example for their siblings. Or perhaps they’re still having trouble keeping their emotions in check, but you can see that they’re honestly trying to rein in their impulsivity. In any such case, let them know that you’re aware of what they’re doing and you’re proud of them. 

Remember: While there is a clear need for minimizing unacceptable behaviors and keeping your teen safe, setting boundaries is also a way to show them what healthy relationships look like and encourage them to be the best version of themselves. 

Rewarding small steps in those directions reinforces positive behaviors that can serve them well throughout their lives.

Learn More About Teen Mental Health Treatment in California

Hillcrest Adolescent Treatment Center is a trusted source of personalized residential care for teens who have been struggling with a range of mental and behavioral health concerns.

At our center in Agoura Hills, CA, young people ages 12-18 benefit from an innovative three-phased approach that combines evidence-based therapeutic practices with experiential activities and robust academic support. 

Our services also include family-focused programming to help you establish and maintain healthy boundaries with your teen.

To learn more call 800-275-1707 or verify your insurance now.

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